The Dead Inside

here we go, one more time.

as if I have never been hurted before, as i have never learned my lesson. one more time, it happens.
and its killing me, that in this time, I fall deeper, harder,  and no I haven't felt as miserable ever.

sitting on my sister bed in her room, 19th of sep 5:41 pm. its already my BD in UAE. and its always the same pain, same sour, same intensive broken hearted feeling. but maybe today is 1000 times even worse.

I dont understand how much this pain will last, & I dont understand how I ca be so powerful, unbeatable, how unpredictably strong. yet as light as a roses peatls, as light as air, as breakable as glass.

yet this time I did it while I knew, that I will fall for him harder than any, thats why I made him give a promise. thats no matter what he will be there, he will stay, he would finally pick me up each time I fall.

that he would be the hero, because he knew it all. because I loved him the most. as if he is the one who will cure it all. I was already too ruined, too heart broken , too weak to establish my self up. as if each time I was losing some of me. and as if I knew no one could fix me.

in him I saw hope, I saw the healing. I saw that life is worth living again. my soul has already left me very long time ago. and I was breathing. just souless

how longer could I survive, how deeper I can be wounded? how much more would I be able to keep up with life.

how come I havent ever learned? that I must never trust a man? how could I have given my self and last soul to one more single man. as if i havent learned that they are all the same?

why am I yet so desperate yet so sad? how am I yet so dump ? yet so Naieve.

how do I wait for a text that I know I will never receive? is that what they call it hope?
or is it yet what they call it love?

the fight between me & my self, yet so long? the scars that I thought will never redo, repeatedly due.

questions throw my head would ruin the night, morning for me starts from shine. too heartbroken? am I?

gosh this trip, just reminds me of allot. how in sep 2011 we reuni, to establish love just in Oct.

its sep 2013, same place, same time. your no longer my lover, my friend. you are now a stranger, just like all others. how shame how crowl. the coldness of your heart that took me rom the happiest to be the dead inside.

the sorrow I taste in the end of each breath. the ache of my heart is too deep. the pain is incurable, defeatable and yet so flesh and green.

you have planned and planned for my pain for so long, while all I have give you is my soul!